Open Letter To My Son

Rei.

At 11 months old as I rock you to sleep, I think about why I need to write this letter.

I sing to you the songs I sing to you every night in the same order, at the same pace, to the same beat over and over and over again. I start with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, rolls into the ABC's, then the chorus from Ain't No Mountain High by Marvin Gaye, followed by the chorus of I Love You by Alaine and Busy Signal. Finally, I end it with You Are My Sunshine. This is often when you drift off to sleep rubbing my chest, neck, and face. Before drifting off to sleep, you stare at me with such intensity, such love in your eyes. I will be the first woman you ever fall in love with. It is true, pure and unconditional.

I know the day will come where you will not remember this. You will not remember every single one of the smiles and laughs we share already. You will not remember the unconditional love, and the enamored gazed in your eye while staring up at me. You will not remember how you mended my heart and soul. Events like this will be etched in my memory forever.

As I look down at you tonight and sing our nightly songs, the tears are rolling down my cheeks. I have so many emotions going through me right now that I do not know what to make of it. I cannot decide if I am happy, sad, angry, excited or even a bit overwhelmed. I think that is because I truly am a bit of all of the above.

So let Mama tell you a bit about the past 11 months.

The day you were born and first gazed up at me my heart felt so full it could burst. That little face staring up at me, you could only see shadows, but you knew. You knew I was your Mama. I held you and stared at you for hours on end. I realized at that moment that my life was complete. You were more perfect than your father, and I ever could have asked for. I did not know that I could love someone the way that I loved you. I didn't think it was possible to hear your heart beating in another body. I looked at you, and my soul was complete. Our first hug, our first kiss, our first time having skin to skin, your first feeding, and our first cuddle session these are moments I wish I could relive over and over and over again. Our hearts were in sync; my heartbeat was your lullaby; it seemed as though that was the only thing that would soothe you. As I stared down at you, I couldn't even believe I made you. I just kept looking at you and saying, "I made you in my tummy!".

As I brought you home, I felt confused, emotional, lost, and sad. Your Mama had a hard time postpartum. I suffered with the change in Papa and I's life. The change in my body. The change in our relationship. I struggled with postpartum depression. But YOU Rei, YOU kept me grounded. I was the kite, and you were my anchor. If it weren't for you and your father, I would float away. I loved you with every ounce of my being. You healed me in a way that I didn't know I could be healed. Helped me grow in a way that I didn't know I could grow. And you showed me to love in a way that I never knew I could love. Though the nights seemed interminable, the months have seemed so short. You are perfect, and you were all that Papa and I needed in this life to be complete. You were all we needed in this world to get by.

There were so many nights. Nights of no sleep. Nights of pacing the house patting you on the back. Nights you threw up continuously. Nights you were inconsolable. Nights I spent crying, thinking I just wasn't enough. Nights, holding you in my arms and not understand why I was given such a blessing and perfect child — questioning why I was deserving of such a child. What made me so worthy? Nights I doubted myself as a parent. Nights I doubted myself as a suitable mother. But then I looked down at that tiny face, with those big cheeks, blonde hair and piercing blue eyes and that was it. YOU WERE AND CONTINUE TO BE MY WHY. You were placed in our lives because you would be the reason we would become so much more.

In this moment tonight as I sob looking down on you, I realize your father and I were placed on this earth to be your parents. I was placed on this earth to be YOUR mom. God could have given you any mom in the world, but he gave you me. And if I am being honest with you, I would not have it any other way. I have been given a perfect life. So long as you are in it my life will always be perfect.

When I look you in the eyes I see through to your heart; you are going to be an amazing person, inside and out. You and I are connected son; you are my soulmate. Every day you grow it is more amazing than the day before. It seems as though you are continually changing between learning new things, and slowly developing the most amazing personality.

So tonight as I look at you and think about the past 11 months. I realize that you are my heart the entire thing at once. I love you will all of me; nothing will ever compare even though you didn't get my eyes my nose or even my hair. I can't wait to continue watching you grow even though it makes me sad, because every single day that goes by are moments I know I may never experience again. But these moments are truly etched in my heart; I love you so much, son ... I have loved you from the start!

Love,

Your Mom

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PEACE LOVE & HAPPINESS. LOVE THE SKIN YOU'RE IN. #BBTE